The Worst Leadership Advice I Ever Received: “Just Be Nice for 30 Days”

After two decades of military service, I transitioned into civilian leadership, ready to apply the hard-earned lessons I’d learned. Yet, shortly after stepping into my new role, I received a piece of advice that stopped me in my tracks:

“For the first 30 days, just be nice. Get to know people. Don’t set the standard or fix problems until you’ve been there for a while.”

At first glance, this advice seemed well-meaning. Building rapport and trust with a new team is important. But for someone who had been trained to lead with integrity, discipline, and accountability, it felt like a step backward. Leadership, I believed, was about more than simply being liked—it was about earning respect and creating an environment of mutual trust and accountability.

Respect vs. Being Liked

A great working relationship with your team is essential, but there’s a fine line between being respected and being liked. Respect often includes being liked, but being liked doesn’t necessarily mean being respected.

Leaders who focus solely on being liked can fall into the trap of avoiding difficult conversations or decisions, compromising standards to gain approval. Over time, this erodes credibility. Conversely, leaders who prioritize respect earn loyalty and trust by demonstrating fairness, consistency, and accountability. Being respected doesn’t preclude being liked—but it ensures your leadership is rooted in principles rather than popularity.

Why Standards Can’t Wait

During my military career, one of the most valuable lessons I learned was the importance of setting clear expectations from the outset. It’s far easier to relax a firm approach over time than to impose strict standards later. If you spend your first 30 days “just being nice,” you risk signaling that the standards are flexible—or worse, irrelevant.

Respect for the team means holding them accountable to the standards that guide the organization’s success. It means arriving with dignity and respect, demonstrating empathy, and showing the team what excellence looks like.

Balancing Respect and Standards

Effective leadership isn’t about choosing between relationships and accountability. It’s about integrating the two. Here’s how:

1. Start Strong, Lead with Purpose: Begin by clearly communicating expectations. Respect your team by trusting them to rise to the challenge.

2. Build Relationships with Boundaries: Get to know your team, but don’t blur the lines between leadership and friendship. A foundation of respect fosters stronger, more professional relationships.

3. Hold Yourself Accountable: Model the behavior you expect. When you demonstrate integrity and fairness, your team will follow suit.

4. Be Consistent and Transparent: Consistency builds trust. When your actions align with your words, respect naturally follows.

5. Strive for Respect Over Popularity: Popularity can be fleeting, but respect endures. By prioritizing principles over approval, you’ll build a legacy of trust and integrity.

The Leadership Legacy

The advice to “just be nice” missed a fundamental truth about leadership: it’s not about being liked or feared, but about being respected. Respect is the foundation of effective leadership, and it begins with setting the standard from day one.

By balancing accountability with empathy and showing your team that you value their contributions without compromising on expectations, you cultivate a culture of trust and high performance. Leadership isn’t about taking the easy road—it’s about taking the right one.

Start strong, hold the line, and lead by example. Respect, not popularity, will be the cornerstone of your success.